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What children experience and remember in childhood influences them for the rest of their lives. A 2023 systematic review of 58 studies found that positive childhood experiences are correlated with better mental health, psychosocial functioning, physical health, and psychosocial stress in adults. Positive childhood experiences are linked to greater academic success and the associated social and economic benefits.
Similarly, the Harvard Study of Adult Development—the longest study on human happiness ever conducted—revealed that relationship strength was a stronger predictor of long-term health and happiness than anything else, including money, social status, and genetics. The foundation for close relationships throughout life is laid in childhood.
A Stable Foundation
Across a number of metrics, happy childhoods lead to happier and healthier adults. This can be daunting for parents because a lot seems to depend on the quality of childhoods they offer their children. That said, a difficult childhood or negative childhood experiences don’t doom someone to a difficult adulthood. Many children recover from childhood difficulties and go on to have happy adulthoods.
How do parents create positive childhood experiences and warm relationships with their children in a beneficial way that they will remember?
First, happy childhood memories don’t have to be “perfect.”
“Kids are rarely maintaining or keeping memories of an elaborate trip or perfect birthday celebration,” said marriage and family counselor Cory Reid-Vanas, founder of Rocky Mountain Counseling Collective.
“Instead, what really sticks in their memories is the emotional climate. So, feelings of safety, warmth, the ability to speak freely and be heard and the repeated rhythm of a consistent, supportive, loving family, the shared experiences and stories told—that’s what supports memories and the formative experiences influencing that individual.”
What sticks has less to do with specific events or perfectly planned activities and a lot more to do with the home’s overall atmosphere and the cumulative emotional impact of many different activities and events.
“Kids don’t necessarily remember everything that happens during their childhood, but what they remember most often has more to do with how it made them feel versus what actually happened,” Jordyn Koveleski Gorman, pediatric speech-language pathologist and founder of Eat Play Say, told The Epoch Times.
Many early memories get lost or muddled after childhood amnesia sets in at about age 7. At this point, children begin to forget their earliest memories. But the consistent presence of a loving face, familiar routines, and joyful encounters—these generally remain with the child, at least as an overall impression. And they outweigh a single euphoric—or disturbing—experience in childhood.
Three specific types of experiences have staying power, according to Reid-Vanas: formative experiences involving relationship and belonging; routines and rituals that bond people and build family identity; and time outside in nature, experiencing the world. Experiences related to identity development are especially likely to be remembered as children move into adolescence, and are important for that reason.
“The most formative memories are relational, and they’re more so about connection rather than activities, vacations, outings, parties, or other one-off activities,” Gorman wrote. “What really shapes kids is having parents and people around them that are fully present in their lives.”
Limited by Love, Not Money
This is good news for families who have fewer material resources to offer their children than they would like. Expensive trips or activities aren’t the core of a happy childhood. Rarely does the quality of the childhood or the formative power of memories depend on the family’s financial status or the number of their extracurricular activities. Happiness depended on whether the child felt safe, whether home was rejuvenating, and whether people in the child’s life were present, loving, and understanding.
A happy childhood isn’t a fairy tale childhood in which nothing ever went wrong and parents made no mistakes.
“The first few minutes after a child wakes up and the last few before bed shape their sense of well-being more than almost anything in between,” Gorman emphasized. “You don’t have to get the whole day, every day completely right for your kids to say, ‘I had a good childhood.’”
Childhood experiences often have lifelong effects, which should instill in parents a sense of the responsibility they bear, but also the opportunity before them. Parents can take heart knowing that having a lot of money, taking a lot of fancy trips, or protecting their child from every unpleasant experience isn’t necessary. More important is the (sometimes much harder) work of showing up day in and day out as a steady, reassuring, encouraging, and loving presence in the child’s life.
If that is accomplished, then the whole childhood will blend into one happy memory.
