Shorn of the Cold War subtext that permeated the John Carpenter classic, this third adaptation of John W. Campbell’s short story Who Goes There? is a pale imitation of its predecessor. Imagine the titular beast has grabbed hold of the 1982 version DVD and only managed to replicate 10 percent of what was so special about that grimy horror, before spewing out an uninspired, badly edited, monster-mash.
By establishing itself as a prologue to the events that befell Kurt Russell and co., we are privy to the details of the Norwegian facility that housed the original hell hound husky, and the discovery of a spaceship beneath the ice.
Alerted to this historical find, Dr Halvorson (Ulrich Thomsen) hires palaeontologist Kate Lloyd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) to lead an archaeological expedition to the crash site in the hope of scientific notoriety. Descending on the Antarctic location they soon discover that the ship’s xenomorphic pilot has been frozen in ice and won’t be contained by his glacial prison for much longer. With the ability to duplicate its human prey and with no way of telling who’s been infected, the stir crazy inhabitants of the facility can trust nobody as they fight to stay alive.
The Thing is lazy film-making in the extreme, and for a movie that’s supposed to be a prequel to the 1982 classic, it riffs on it way too much to be original – replacing the tension riddled blood test with a routine involving checking people’s mouths for fillings is risible.
The script is also filled with some heavyweight illogical clunkers. Why do they fly Kate 10,000 miles only to ask her “how long will it take to dig this out?” Surely the amount of time it took her to arrive? And why do they leave the frozen monster unattended when it’s clear the block is melting? Aren’t they meant to be scientists? And please explain the huge three dimensional game of Tetris that she stumbles upon during the finale but is never referenced.
Adding to the lacklustre nature of proceedings is the assorted cast, all indistinguishable from one another. This removes any level of interest from the already absent paranoia aspect of the plot, and even worse, when one of the characters becomes a victim of The Thing and the others are shouting “it got Karl, it got Karl”, you simply don’t care because your reaction is “who the hell is Karl?”
Possibly the biggest failure is in the CGI department. Rob Bottin’s prosthetics and animatronics from 1982 are iconic examples of movie special effects, right up there with Rick Baker’s best work. This operates at the other end of the spectrum, opting for a jumbled blur of liquorice tentacles and convenient darkness.
Winstead does her best as the Ellen Ripley-lite, but her transformation from pop playing lab technician to savvy action heroine is a bit of a stretch and happens at an unnaturally fast pace.
The Thing only hits its stride during the end credits, when hints of Carpenter’s synth score are dropped into the previously intrusive soundtrack and we get a few shots that neatly link it to the original, but by then you’ll have long ago abandoned hope.
