Not long ago, I discovered a great country song with a line that goes like this:
“Some people calculate moves
He never had a thing to prove.”
In just 11 words, those lyrics create a vivid image of the kind of person I hope to become—and a powerful reminder of what I want to avoid.
In my quest to live intentionally and improve myself, there’s a real danger of becoming someone who is always calculating what I can gain from a given situation, opportunity, or relationship.
That kind of person is all about being productive and doing something meaningful with their life, but the result is often an overly self-conscious, self-absorbed life.
The Paradox of Self-Improvement
Living intentionally is simply being more aware of the choices you make and how well they align with your goals. Slowly, over time, you close the gap so that your actions are closely aligned with the person you want to become and the life you want to lead.
Given that I’ve written extensively on this topic for years, I see incredible value in it.
However, most of the added value comes as you move from being completely unreflective about your life to being, let’s say, the kind of person who does an annual review of your year.
As you become even more intentional about your life, the benefits begin to fade and become a liability. Pretty soon, you become the opposite of the lyrics in the song I mentioned—someone who is calculating every move and intent on showing the world just how important you are.
At that point, you’ve gone too far and are probably spending far too much time in your own head, thinking about yourself, and not enough time being grateful for what you have and how your life can benefit others.
The Pitfalls of Over-Optimization
Generally speaking, I’m a big fan of intentional living, but I recognize two dangers.
The first danger is treating people as a means to an end and failing to enjoy them for who they are.
If you’ve ever been contacted by an old friend or acquaintance, and thought they were interested in you, only to find out they wanted to recruit you to some multi-level-marketing business, you know exactly how this feels. It isn’t a great feeling. It feels like they were primarily reaching out for your usefulness, not because they valued your friendship.
The second danger is calculating every move and making such “ideal” choices that you squeeze the fun and spontaneity out of life.
For example, I once committed myself to a rigorous reading plan to read a well-known classic book every week for two or three years. The idea was to shore up my mind with a solid foundation of great thinking, but guess what?
I only managed to turn one of my favorite hobbies into a chore and something I felt I had to do. What’s worse, the whole plan backfired because it turns out that you remember far more of what you read out of genuine curiosity than when you are trying to follow a plan.
Seeking a Counterbalance
The solution to this paradox is not to be less intentional about your life, but rather to direct your intentionality toward an additional set of values. The decision to live more intentionally generally moves people toward:
- Greater control, more planning, and less spontaneity
- Activities and projects with an easily measured value
To balance these tendencies, I recommend also making space for their opposites:
- Inviting mystery, uncertainty, and the unexpected back into your life
- Doing things you really want to do, rather than feel like you should
I like to remind myself that life isn’t a competition or an elaborate challenge—it’s a gift to be treasured. That doesn’t mean you should dive headfirst into hedonism and impulsive living, but I do think life should feel abundant.
Not every minute should be put to productive use. Sometimes it’s good to putter and stroll.
Not every book has to be educational or informative. Sometimes it’s nice to escape for a bit.
Most of all, friendships don’t have to be about or for something—you can just get together and pass the time, enjoying each other’s company.
While I am and always will be a proponent of self-improvement, there’s a danger in making your life about self-improvement, rather than seeing it as a means to a rich, satisfying, and purposeful life.
