Dear Kathy,

I have a question that I am hoping you can shed light on, because I have seen both friends and family face this issue. I also got my first taste of it, and I’m worried that I am going to see it more in the future.

I am a father that shares custody of my 10-year-old daughter. For the last three years, I have arranged a schedule with my ex-wife that is close to 50 percent. My daughter has always endorsed this, and she seems to go out of her way to ensure time equality by insisting on making up time with the other parent any time there is a change in the schedule.

It was during one of these makeup days—amid quite a few schedule changes over the holidays—that my daughter was supposed to stay over at my house, but she insisted on going to her mother’s. I tried to talk to her about it and explain what was going on, but she was quite persistent so I let her call her mother and make arrangements to go there.

I am not sure how I feel about it now, and I think that maybe I should have stuck to my guns instead of allowing my daughter to make the decision. I have seen quite a few other people in this situation where it seems that by the time the children become teenagers, they are deciding which parent to stay with, and they normally make that decision based on which home gives them the easiest access to what they want—usually freedom and time with friends, rather than the best environment.

What role do you think children should have in deciding which parent they want to stay with? How does the child’s age affect this? How would you suggest parents handle this?

I appreciate your advice,

Confused in California

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Dear Confused,

I have raised three girls through the tween years and my advice is—buckle up, Daddy! Seriously, though, it is best to respond rather than react. Before you decide on a course of action regarding your custody arrangement, gather all of the pertinent facts.

What emotionally fueled your daughter’s decision to spend extra time with her mom during the holidays? Did a special holiday-related event or favorite visiting relative influence her decision? Is your daughter’s transition from a child into an adolescent creating a temporary desire for more “girl time” with mom? Has she made a special friend in your ex’s neighborhood?

Plan a relaxed outing with your daughter, somewhere the two of you can hang out and talk (coffee shop, ice cream parlor, etc.). Give her an opportunity to casually share what’s going on in her life. If you need more information, schedule some time to talk to your ex, your daughter’s teacher/guidance counselor, relatives she’s close to, etc.

The point is to connect with your daughter, as well as others who care about her, so that you are up-to-date on what’s going on in her life. The more you know her heart, the better you will be able to guide her. One warning, though: There is often a fine line between appropriate parental concern and intrusiveness, so tread carefully.

The best advice I can offer is that you do everything in your power to strengthen your co-parenting relationship with your ex. If there are unresolved issues, consider making a few appointments together with a couples specialist. The more united a front you and your daughter’s mother present, the less tumultuous the teen years are likely to be for all three of you.

Parenting is a tough job, and much more so for a single dad of a girl blossoming into womanhood. I strongly encourage you to become involved in some type of supportive community, like “Parents Without Partners,” in order to hear how other dads are handling similar situations. Although you may feel alone, there are in fact more and more single dads just like you. I am a firm believer in the adage, “Shared sorrow is halved sorrow and shared joy is doubled joy.” Keep me posted!

Until Monday,
Kathy

Katherine H. Smith combines her 46 years of life experience, 18 years of marriage, and raising 5 children, with an M.S.Ed. in guidance and counseling and an M.A. in marriage and family therapy. To address your concerns, please send your letters to askKathy@epochtimes.com. Please include a contact phone number and e-mail address.

Information provided in this column is not intended to be used as a substitute for specific medical or psychological advice.